Venting.

I’m extremely stressed right now.  EXTREMELY.  My finanical aid check hasn’t came yet, and I have to pay 600 dollars by Saturday, or my classes will be dropped.  My parents have no money.  My dad is super stressed about this, he can barely afford to pay his bills, and it’s making me sad that he’s so upset that he can’t afford to pay for my classes right now.  I need to go to school next semester, if I can’t, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  That’s going to throw everything off track.  One of my biggest fears is that if I don’t go to school next semester, I won’t want to go back.  That can’t happen.  I can’t live pay check to pay check like my parents do.  The area where I live is pretty upperclass, the richest county in the country.  People think that you have to have money to live where we live, which is not true.  My parent’s got our house when there was nothing in the area but woods, so it was cheap back then.  They would never be able to afford to get a house in this area now.  I went to school with kids driving BMWs.  It makes me so mad that they are so disrespectful to their parents, yet they get anything they want, while I have to work for everything.  I got so upset thinking about this today that I started crying.  I was watching Super Sweet 16, and a girl on there got a silver Mercedes for her birthday, and she was mad that it wasn’t hot pinl.  Words can’t describe how disgusted I felt watching that.  On top of all of this, my dad went to the doctor today, and he has High Blood Pressure.  They might put him on blood pressure medicine, but he can’t afford his health insurance anymore, so he only has it until the end of the month.  My parents are the most important people in my life, but even though I never liked to admit it when people said this, I have a special bond with my dad.  A daddy’s girl at heart, and I feel horrible because I feel like him being stressed out about not being able to pay for my classes is raising his blood pressure.

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."

All these girls walking around like “im so insecure, im not pretty at all!” shut the fuck up.  Seriously, I’m sick of being nice to them.  Sick of being like, “no you are pretty!” to help feed their non existent self esteem.  I saw this picture on this girls tumblr that said “the difference between guys and girls on facebook” and the girls part was like: changed profile picture x 10, and the guys side was like: added angelina, added angelica, added maria, etc.  The fact that we live in a world this shallow disgusts me.  There’s more to a person than looks.  This is why I don’t have a facebook.  Everyone tries to make their lives seem so much better than it really is on facebook.  I don’t feel like talking more about this, but I could go on and on.

Some people need to believe in a higher being. I am one of those people. Though I do not go to church, or even have a religion. Religion is something that I like to talk about. I don’t know why. And I hate when I am disagreeing with someone and they want to stop the conversation, or when someone else trys to stop it. The world is big enough for people to have different opinions, I’m not going to think any less of you. Disagreeing with someone is not a big deal to me, it’s not going to make me hate or want to fight you. Anyway, I need to pray to something. To believe someone is there. To believe I’m not as lonely as I feel most of the time. To believe there is an after life, or reincarnation, or something. Anything. I do respect the people that can just live without having to believe in any of these things, but that’s not me. If I ever try to live like this I just feel useless. I feel as though we are not here for any reason at all. Like nothing has a purpose. But at the same time, the idea of Heaven in religions just sounds really selfish to me. It sounds selfish that you only want to praise and worship God, and be a good person just so you can go to Heaven. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, maybe it’s just me. It feels good to just write without stopping and erasing anything. I have class in 30 minutes, I really don’t feel like going. Fuck my life.